The Moons of the Past
by Airotia
Summary: A SiriusRemus story about the past of the Marauders and others involved in Tonks and Remus' relationship. Sad, but with a bittersweet ending. The first chapters are pretyped! SLASH
1. Remus

**The Moons of the Past**

_**Remus**_

I do think that even she knew it. I think everyone knew, even. Well, everyone who knew me well enough. I never told Harry about the feelings I harbored for his godfather, nor did I ever reveal to James or even Peter. In fact, I didn't tell anyone. But I felt that it was obvious, the way I was both hardest and easiest on Sirius, the way I spent so much time with him… There were many other signs, signs that didn't come up with Tonks.

Tonks. I glanced over to my left to see her, her arm thrown over her eyes to block out the sun that hasn't come up yet. Currently her hair is brown and very long. Her eyes are a hazy blue, which remind me over and over of Sirius as I look into them. Of course, I don't tell her that—that'd only hurt her, for someone I can't bring back to life.

I have moved to the side of the bed now, staring at the half-moon. I think the moon is beautiful, as long as it isn't full. The eerie light it casts, giving the world a silver-lined view… Yes, it was very poetical. And the only one who ever knew I liked the moon (as long as, once again, it wasn't full) was Sirius…

"Remmy! Why are you staring at the moon like that? You look kind of like a girl who's thinking of her knight in shining armor," Sirius joked, nudging me in the ribs gently. He plopped beside me, holding two apples. He bit into on, leaving a huge chunk out of it. He offered me the other, and I accepted it, never looking at him, but still staring wistfully at the moon.

"_It's not even close to full," Sirius commented. "Why the fascination?"_

"_I only hate full moons," I explained simply with a small smile, leaning back and turning to Sirius. "The moon transforms the world into a place where anything can happen."_

"_Never thought I'd live to see a werewolf like the moon. Huh," Sirius said with a small smile._

_He never told any of the others…_

Sirius never told the other Marauders about the special moments like that we had. He'd blab on and on about how he discovered that James likes angry women, and how Peter would much rather be a stay-at-home father. He talked and talked about their likes, their dislikes, their lives… But he never talked about mine. At first, I thought he considered it insignificant—but then I thought about it as him thinking I was special, somehow.

I never understood why Sirius thought I was more special than the others. I keep hoping that it was because I was his closest person that he cared more for me than any other person in the world. But I dismissed that as wishful thinking. Sirius only respected my opinions, and thought it best to hoard all of my advice and musings to himself.

I don't know why he valued me so highly. After a while, I think it was obvious to the both of us that I was telling him to break up with any girl that got too close to him.

I still remember that first time…

'Moony! What's the problem?" Sirius demanded. I had just stalked out of the Great Hall, annoyed at Sirius' current interest, Veronica. She was so… so… infuriating! True, I had never had a problem with her before, and she was actually nice.

_I guess my over-protective-of-Sirius gene was kicking in._

"_I… She…! Her!" I yelled, finally deciding on a lone word to describe the huge burden of my problems._

"_Veronica?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow._

"_Yes! Her!" I replied in a huff. I was seriously acting like a teenaged girl, maybe younger, throwing a temper tantrum, but hey—I guess I was, am, girly._

"_You don't like her?" Sirius asked, as if confirming it. I gave a nod, and he sighed. "Then she's gone," Sirius said with a shrug._

"_Just like that?" I asked, shocked._

"_Just like that. Real friends like you are hard to come by. I can find a girl willing to go out with me almost as easily as I can find a wand in this school," Sirius said with a self-satisfied smirk._

No matter how many times I did that, he always accepted it and never said anything about it. He acted as if I was the final decision maker on all girls he went out with, and if I even said that the girl's skirt was a fourth of an inch too short to be considered normal, Sirius would toss her out the door—just like that.

He rarely questioned why I didn't have a girlfriend, or never got one. I guess he never realized I was already addicted to him.

"_Hey, Moony, when you gonna meet a nice she-wolf, settle down, and have some pups?" Sirius asked me. It was on the night of James' bachelor party, and we were both hanging outside, just staring at the sky. We did that a lot._

"_Never," I replied sullenly. I glanced over at him, to see his reaction, but he just kept staring ahead. I guess he expected that sort of answer, but didn't expect me to be so blunt about it. I'm kind of surprised I was so blunt._

"_Yeah. Settle down with a wolf, and she'll wear the pants in the relationship," Sirius joked. I almost corrected him, but I stopped myself. It was obvious he was joking, and he knew that I would probably never be in a relationship, much less a serious one._

I always wondered why, at that moment, I didn't tell him. It was the perfect moment to go, "Well, that, and I'm crazy about you," or something along those lines.

I've always regretted not doing that. I turned backed to Tonks, to see if she was still asleep. Sometimes she'd wake up from the lack of warmth beside her. I jumped, slightly surprised that she looked different. I wasn't really surprised, because she sleep-morphs a lot. She changed from a brunette to a black haired woman, and her skin tone was a bit darker than before.

She looked kind of like a girl version of Sirius.

"_Feminae!" Lily Evans yelled out, pointing her wand at James. Peter attempted to help, he really did—he knocked her hand, which did save James, but sacrificed Sirius in the process._

_Sirius yelped and looked down. Something was bigger, and something—he could feel the lack of it—was gone._

"_Evans!" he squeaked. His voice was much, much more feminine now—it went from being a deep baritone to a pleasant-sounding, lilting soprano._

"_Thanks for the sacrifice," James mumbled to Sirius before turning to Lily. "So, since you should be feeling terrible about turning Padfoot here into a girl and all, why not go out with me to make him-her feel better?"_

_Before Lily could even turn red with rage, Sirius backhanded him across the face—hard. "You're being so insensitive! Can't you understand my predicament, at least a little? You should care more about your friend's troubles than trying to get into Evans' pants!"_

_Lily burst out laughing, and I continued suppressing my laughter. Peter was cowering behind me, not wanting Sirius to turn on him as well._

"_You know what? I think having Syria around you is worse than having you as a girl!" Lily exploded. She chuckled, and left a fuming Sirius and James in her wake._

_Sirius turned to me, and asked with pleading eyes to turn him back. His eyes were shining dramatically, showing that he still retained his personality._

"_No," I answered simply with a chuckle._

"_Why?!" Sirius—Syria demanded._

"_Because. You make a pretty girl, and it's so much fun hanging around you like this. Besides, wouldn't you want to be the first female Marauder?" I asked with a smirk._

"_Now I feel kind of bad about corrupting Remus," James muttered with a small laugh._

"_Turn me back, or I'll cry," Sirius—Syria—threatened, knowing that I have a weak spot for crying girls._

"_You haven't been a girl long enough to know how to make yourself—" I began with logic, but I was cut off when Syria began bawling. It wasn't fake sobbing, either—she was seriously crying her eyes out, somehow able to fore her tear ducts to open and pour out the salty tears._

"_Homus," I muttered with a flick of my wand. Syria turned back to Sirius, and he smiled at me._

"_Thanks, Remmy!" he said, throwing his arms around my neck, and then did the unthinkable—he kissed me on the cheek._

_Sirius and Remus sat there, in the middle of the Great Hall, mortified by what Sirius had just done. He obviously still retained a few girly habits; else he never would have thanked him with that._

I touched the side of my cheek unconsciously. Whenever I think about that memory, I swear I could feel his lips on my cheek. As soon as I realized it was just my wishful thinking again, I sighed, retracted my hand, and let it slide back down to my lap.

"_C'mon! Prongs, my family has cut me off! You could at least give me a few Galleons for some Blood Pops!" Sirius whined._

"_Your affixation with that candy is kind of scary," James joked. "Sure you're not part vampire?"_

"_Could be, mum ran around a bit. But that's beside the point! I'll do anything!" Sirius begged._

_We all immediately knew that was the wrong choice of words. "Okay, I'll pay for whatever you want if you kiss Moony on the lips," James said, pointing his thumb in my direction with a smirk._

_I seriously think James knew all along that I was in love with Sirius. That's why he picked on me. Otherwise, it would have been Peter._

_Sirius turned to me, and before I could say anything, he lunged at me, kissed me hard on the lips, and turned to face James. "Done?" he asked, his tone self-satisfying._

"_Done," James said with a sigh. I began lagging behind the others that day at Hogsmeade—and I was kind of glad no one saw me touch my lips throughout the day._

**A/N: Chapter one is done! I know I'm doing James, Tonks, maybe Peter, and an epilogue using Sirius. Whether or not I do someone else as well will be up to me and whether or not I think I can fit others in. Well, review, and I hope you enjoy the story so far! (At first it was going to be just a two-shot ((this chapter and epilogue)), but I came up with the chapter with Tonks and the chapter with James, so now it's going to be a maybe 5 chaptered story)**


	2. Tonks

**Moons of the Past**

_**Tonks**_

When Sirius was alive, Tonks knew she had no chance with Remus. Remus was so obviously taken with Sirius that it hurt me to see them together. I have no doubt in my mind that the real reason that Remus stopped teaching was because he knew he'd be able to see Sirius more if he went with the Order, despite him being in hiding. At least there, he could correspond with Sirius.

"Hey, Remus!" I had greeted warmly. I had been trying desperately to gain Remus' attention, but for some reason, she just couldn't.

_He grunted in reply. "What 'cha doing?" I tried again._

"_Writing a letter," he answered. His tone gave off that he thought I was a five-year-old, which temporarily upset me, but I got over it quickly._

"_Oh. To whom?" I asked, my curiosity showing._

"_And old friend," Remus explained, trying desperately to think of a way to describe Sirius. Dumbledore had said that he couldn't talk to the Order about him just yet, and that he should wait, not that I knew that at the time._

"_Oh, I see," I replied sullenly. It was obvious that it wasn't' just a friend from the way he paused, and he was obviously tired of me._

_I left._

Whenever I thought about memories like that, tears begin to well up behind my eyes. And then, I'm conflicted with thoughts of his love towards me, and I become both happy and confused.

"You sure?" he asked gently.

"_If I wasn't sure, I wouldn't be telling you I was ready. You haven't pressured me at all, and I wouldn't just up and tell you I was ready if I wasn't ready," I said with a soft smile, inwardly thinking how cute he was._

_Silence. It was possible Remus was a virgin, as he had never had a girlfriend before me. But, then again, there were always one-night stands…_

'_Nah. Not Remus. Remus wouldn't do such a thing,' I thought to myself, standing there as Remus scratched his head._

_I think._

"_Not right this moment, of course!" I suddenly cried out. We had been excused from the Order meeting for a quick break to talk things out with other members. "But, you know, later… If you want…" I said. Now I was feeling nervous. Before, I had been able to be blunt about it, but now, because Remus was awkward, I was feeling awkward. _

"R-right!" he yelped.

He really was adorable, and innocent, even though he was much older than me. The most innocent he always seemed was always with Sirius, though…

"Sirius!" Remus yapped as the snowball hit his neck and the cold, slushy half-liquid ran down his neck.

_I giggled and picked up a snowball myself, throwing it at Remus. Remus, too, began grabbing snowballs and threw them. He never aimed for me, always trying to get Sirius. I felt kind of like the third wheel, but I could have given up in the middle of a snowball fight because it felt like Sirius and Remus were flirting._

_I watched Remus throw the snowballs, and I could have sworn the years melted off of him. He seemed so much… fresher, somehow. He seemed childlike, and so innocent it made my heart rate increase all the more._

"_Moony! Snuffles! Tonks!" Molly called from the back door. "If you three don't get in here, I swear, I'll—"_

_Her threat hung in the air, for Dumbledore had come up behind her and set a gentle hand on her shoulder. She nodded and walked inside, Dumbledore following her in with a soft smile and his eyes twinkling._

Why was it that Remus seemed so light hearted around Sirius, but never me? I had yet to get him to act the way he acted around Sirius around me. Perhaps first love is always more pure than any other loves after that.

I hated thinking like that, because it always sent me into a spiral of despair.

I'd never mean as much to Remus as Sirius did.

"_So, will you ever go out with a bisexual guy?" Leigh, my best friend from Hogwarts, asked slyly._

"_Leigh!" I said, half-laughing and half-reprimanding._

"_Well?" she asked with a wink. "You could always watch him and another guy…" she let the sentence hang. If she didn't do that, I wouldn't have hung around her._

"_True. But, ever think that the guy will want to leave you for the guy?" I pointed out matter-of-factly. Back at Hogwarts, I changed my personality as much as I changed my looks. It was good she could deal with unpredictable, because otherwise she would have been extremely confused._

"_Nah. I'll just… convinced him otherwise," Leigh said with a smirk._

"_Leigh, you're so… immature," I said with a sigh._

"_You are too, some days…" she muttered, inspecting her nails._

Leigh. Leigh was the one who got me interested in the cause; she was the one who got me into being an Auror, and she was the one who eventually introduced me to the Order.

But that wasn't the main thing she was in my life.

She wasn't just a best friend—she was… I don't know if I loved her, the way I love Remus, but I know that she was the most important person in my life. I cared for her the most.

And then, it happened…

_"Leigh!" I screamed, just as a building blew up. Leigh dodged the debris easily, forming a shield over herself._

"_Leigh Chandler," a cruel voice sounded from behind her._

"_Mark!" she exclaimed. She turned to me, and yelled, "Quick! I can take Mark on! Go and take care of the others!"_

_I didn't even hesitate to listen to her. She was never, ever wrong. _

_Or so I thought._

Mark. Mark Devion. The biggest asshole I have ever had the displeasure of meeting.

In our first year, he was sorted into Slytherin. He was actually nice—for a Slytherin. He would rather hang out with us than the other Slytherins, so Leigh and I agreed he was a nice guy and was only sorted into Slytherin because he was cunning and clever.

In Fifth year, he and Leigh went out for a while. They were actually very close—I was even jealous of him, but never acted on the jealousy, because I liked seeing Leigh happy.

And then "it" happened.

_"Leigh! Leigh, stop!" Mark pleaded._

"_No! No, Mark! I'm not going to stop! I… I can't believe you!" she screeched, her voice unnaturally high-pitched, and tears running down her face._

"_But, listen…" Mark began._

"_No! I'm not listening to you! You have no excuse whatsoever!" Leigh yelled back, shaking her head back and forth furiously, in an "I can't hear you manner".  
_

"_What happened?" a younger boy asked me._

"_I don't know," I snapped at him, glared at him, and continued watching Leigh and Mark's argument, desperately trying to figure out what it was about._

"_You… you… I hate you. You're… evil," she hissed, storming off._

I found out later just what had happened. Mark, apparently, was descended from a line of French wizards, all pureblood. They had moved to England generations back, and were now just like the other dark families. Mark had tried to be good, for a little while, but after he found out he was engaged to a girl in his year and house, he shagged her on the side, without telling Leigh any of that.

And to make matters worse, he was taking the mark.

In the end, Mark killed Leigh. I was so… overtaken with passion and rage that I, myself, tracked him down, brutally murdered him, and just left. The Order either didn't know of that, or they didn't ask any questions.

All I know is that Mark Devion killed my best friend, and maybe even my first love.

He even had the gall to show up at the funeral, acting as if he was hurt.

The preacher was telling lies. "She was a pure girl" my ass. She wasn't pure, but she had an overall charm that meant that didn't matter. You only call someone pure if they were a child, because then you have a good chance of actually being right. Leigh was about as impure as it got, without being a whore.

_And then, right at the pure line, I glanced to the left. In the corner of the funeral home was Mark, dressed in an expensive black suit. His long, dirt-blonde hair hung over his eyes, as if he was trying to hide crying or something. I held back the urge to lunge forward, grip his throat, and choke him to death. I sent him a death glare, which I was sure he could feel, and turned back to the preacher._

_He glanced over at me—which I saw from the corner of my eyes—and left, pretending that 'the pain was too much'._

_Yeah, right. I wish that they could have caught whom did the Avada Kedavra spell on whom._

I wish I knew how I felt about Leigh. The feelings were so conflicting that… that I don't know what I felt for her. I knew what I felt for Mark, before and after he asked her out, and before and after he killed Leigh. I know it just had to be him who killed Leigh, because he was the only one in that area.

Even if he did swear he didn't kill her.

_I circumvented around the mansion. On a plate above the door was, in gold lettering, Devion. It was definitely at his place, as was his wife. His wife was currently 3 months pregnant, or so I had heard. It was possible she was more, it had been a while since I heard the rumor—but then again, she could have not been pregnant at all. It didn't matter—all that mattered was revenge._

_I snuck into the house, disabling all of the security devices and spells that I saw. I was concentrating hard on not being clumsy, on not knocking anything at all over. I climbed the steps silently, using the thinnest and most lithe form I could have without being invisible._

_I looked around for their bedroom, and it was obvious which room it was. The door was ajar, and just beyond it, I could see the sleeping from of Leandra, Mark's wife. I didn't see Mark, but I knew he was too far away. I glanced around the room, and as I snuck deeper into the room, I heard the sound of running water and the brushing of teeth._

"_Avada Kedavra," I muttered coldly, my wand aimed at Leandra. Her body made no changes, except that the slow up and down chest movements of breathing had stopped._

_I waited in the closet for Mark to come out of the bathroom. Once he did, he lay down in the bed and snuggled closer to his wife's dead body. It was a recent death, so he probably didn't notice the coldness of the body—yet._

_I walked out of the closet silently, and muttered, "Bastard," which startled him into awakening. Before I killed him, I morphed into Leigh. His eyes lit up with recognition and fear, and he suddenly seemed extremely jumpy._

"_I… I swear, I didn't kill her!" he screamed, holding his hands up as if that would make me believe him._

"_Avada Kedavra," I muttered coldly._

For revenge and Leigh were the only reasons I had ever killed. I never planned to kill again, unless it was life or death, not even if someone killed Remus. Perhaps to protect Remus, but not for revenge.

The sad thing is I know that Leigh wouldn't have wanted me to kill for the sake of her revenge.

I shuddered at the memories of Mark, and blocked them out once again. I need to get a Pensieve…

**A/N: Yes, I made Tonks bi, too. And I sort of made her colder, and only briefly explained how she can act like nothing happened. So, it wasn't as great of a chapter as I had hoped, but I felt that Tonks had to have her own triangle and had to be explained as well. Review, please!**


	3. James

**The Moons of the Past**

**James**

I'm no matchmaker, but I believe that Sirius and Remus are… flirting with each other.

When I first noticed it, I almost gagged.

I mean, I had been a homophobic my entire life! It just wasn't natural.

But it seemed right between those two, I think. Remus refused to go out with any girl at all, and seemed to be completely involved in Sirius. Sirius went out with way too many girls, but never got serious with any of them and always broke up with one at the snap of Remus' fingers.

"So… I hear you have a new girlfriend," I said, nudging Sirius in the ribs. "When is she going to meet us?"

"_Never," Remus said sternly, just as Sirius opened his mouth._

_Peter and I both turned to face Remus with open mouths. He seemed to have stopped dead in his tracks, as if he had just realized what he had said. I gagged._

"… _I talked to him about it earlier. Me and Veronica are about to break up, anyways," Sirius said with a shrug, bailing Remus out effortlessly. _

"_Oh, I see… What's wrong with this one?" I asked, not even a small part of me believing that what Sirius had said was true._

"_She's way too dominating and possessive…" Sirius began. _

"_Sirius, honey! Why are you always talking to your friends instead of me?" Veronica whined, as if on cue, from behind._

_I winced. She was about to get it. And Sirius was notorious for letting girls down… hard._

"_Veronica, babe, I don't think is working out," Sirius said before turning, and, giving the girl no second glance, walking away and continuing to talk to us._

_I felt bad for the girl, because it was so obvious, to me at least, why exactly it was that Sirius dumped girls so easily._

After a little while, I even tried forcing them together sneakily.

"_You know, Sirius has been spending a lot of time with that girl…" I commented casually to Remus._

"_Yeah. He has," he said, a deep frown on his face._

"_I don't think they're right together," I added, pretending to pick a nonexistent bit of dirt from underneath a nail._

"_You sure? He seems happy," Remus noted, folding his hands behind his head._

"_Oh, that? Every guy is like that when he's going out with a girl. Veronica is an easy hit."_

"_You mean she's promiscuous?" Remus asked, not quite getting the terms I used._

"_Yeah. That. That means she's slutty, right?" I asked in confirmation. Remus nodded in response and sighed._

"_You're probably right. I hate seeing him like this…"_

"_Maybe you should talk to him about it," I suggested._

"_Why don't you?" Remus asked with a sigh. Shit. I hadn't been expecting that one._

"_Because, quite frankly, I've had her as well, and when we went out, I was just as 'happy' as he is now. So, of course, if I spoke to him about it now, he'd think I was jealous or something," I explained, pulling an excuse from thin air._

_He bought it, and the next day, Sirius announced they were over._

And, of course, my favorite memory of that was during a Christmas Eve, in which all of the Marauders were trying to decide what type of girl (person) would be best for each of us.

"Okay, what type of girl deserves me?" I asked, my voice, tone and manner all arrogant.

"_Hmm... Temperamental… would keep you on a short lease… beautiful… wild… smart… Flaming red hair and dazzling green eyes… That about sum it all up?" Sirius asked with a smirk._

"_Ah, if only such a girl whom existed would simply say 'yes'…" I said, my voice somewhat similar to Romeo's._

"_No," Lily said from the couch, not even glancing at me from her book, her eyes transfixed upon the page._

"_What about me?" Sirius asked, hitting his chest in excitement._

"_I think someone who's not liberal, because you'd be all over them constantly otherwise… Smart, to balance out your idiocy… Good with scheduling, because otherwise you two would never make appointments… Kind and maternal, because God knows you need to be babied and spoiled…" I said, ticking off Remus' qualities. Remus obviously had a vague idea of what I was doing, because he kept glancing at me._

"_I wish someone like that existed…" Sirius said with a sigh. "Now, let's see… Moony!" he exclaimed, turning to Remus and grinning. _

_Remus blushed. "I… I don't think…" he began._

"_Well, they couldn't be extremely smart, that would be annoying, but they couldn't be a complete idiot… He'd have to understand Remus' predicament… Messed-up, because Remus needs someone to look after… Messy, because two anal-retentive people together would drive the world mad… Loyal, because Remus would automatically figure out if the other was cheating… Funny, because otherwise Remus' already small sense of humor would die out…" once again, I was ticking off Sirius' qualities. Remus sighed when I finally finished and gave me a look that pretty much said "What did I do to you?"_

_Trying to keep up the game, Sirius pointed at Peter. "What kind of girl does Peter need?"_

"_Desperate," I answered automatically._

I miss those days…

**A/N: Obviously, written from James' POV when he was _alive_. It would make no sense for a dead person to reminisce… Though for a dead person to be nostalgic, yeah, I can see that. XD Well, review! Next (and last) chapter should be out soon! )**


	4. Sirius

**The Moons of the Past**

_**Sirius**_

_Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. _The sounds of books, filled to the brim with dark magic, were heard in the Order of the Phoenix's library. Remus, Mad-Eye Moody, Arthur Weasly, Nymphadora Tonks, Kingsley Shacklebolt, and Elphias Doge were presently searching through the old 'personal' library of Sirius. Really, the books in the 'personal' library were books that his parents had tried to get him to read. Sometimes he'd pretend to read them, when he was younger, as to not get into trouble. After he realized that being in trouble with his parents was more fun than being on good terms with them, he'd only stick them on a bookshelf to gather dust.

Remus eyed the leather bound book with interest. It was not nearly as dusty—or moss covered, as Tonks and Kingsley constantly pointed out—as the other books. In fact, it had relatively less dust than the others. Remus picked it up and glanced over the cover. _'Dark Spells and the Overly Pompous People Who Use Them' _was the title.

'_Sounds like something Sirius would have been reading…'_ Remus thought sadly with a small, nostalgic smirk on his face. He flipped it open and began glancing over the first page. It was blank, however. When he flipped through the entire book, but realized there was no words, he sighed and flipped back to the first page.

As if by a stroke of luck, the words "State the password, or the book of Sirius will blow your limbs to bits. It will then waste no time in devouring your remains, regurgitate them, and then return to its rightful place within the possession of the almighty Sirius, the dog of the night."

Remus snickered, and then thought it over. Sirius would actually back that up with a hex, so it was better just to try to open it himself. At least he, himself, had at a chance at opening it.

"Alastor, let me borrow your quill and ink," Remus asked Mad-Eye. He nodded gruffly and passed them over to him.

'_I solemnly swear I am up to no good,' _he scrawled on the page and waited.

DENIED 

'_Well, at least it only said denied…' _Remus thought.

'_Buckbeak.'_

DENIED 

'_Padfoot.'_

DENIED 

'_Prongs.'_

DENIED 

'_Could it be…?' _Remus mused to himself. _'Moony,'_ he tried, vowing it would be the last one he would try.

Suddenly, the words began flowing onto the page. Remus was shocked that he was the password, but he got over it quickly, for the interesting part was beginning.

----

'_Dear Journal,_

_Why do people always start off entries with 'dear diary' or 'dear journal'? It's bloody weird. It feels like you're writing a letter to an inanimate object!_

_On that note, I think I'll name you Harry. It's my best friend's middle name, and if I get into a row with him, it won't make me feel so bad about it (which explains the name)._

_And, anyways, it's the summer in between my first and second year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Why I'm writing in this blasted thing is beyond me, but all I know is that Remus told me to write in it. He says it'll help me get through the summer. I'd feel loads better if Harry's parents will just send their agreement to me staying at their place, though._

_Here is bloody boring, and when it's not boring, it's because I've just done something to further besmirch the family name. Mum and Dad are really giving it to me now, since I've been sorted into Gryffindor. You'd think that they'd treat their own son better, but I sort of expected this from the moment I was sorted into Gryffindor. I 'spose that Mum was holding onto a small ray of hope when they sent me off to Hogwarts. After all, there is always a chance that someone will change their entire personality and character in just a matter of a train ride, right?_

_Right._

_I've been going through the house again. It's the only thing I have to do, other than read up on how to make someone go mad with just a flick of a wand. There's nothing in my interests, there, however. I'd much rather risk my life going through the old cursed items my father seems to like hoarding, much to the disdain of that damn Kreacher…_

_I swear, that ruddy house elf is even worse than Mum about my being sorted into Gryffindor. He keeps whining to his mum, who'll go into a frenzy of screaming and wailing about the fall of the house of Black. I expect Mum'll be chopping her head off soon, she is really too old to work._

_Aha! I've finally got the reply from James, plus a letter from Remus and Peter! Life is good—finally!_

_I'm going, I'm going, I'm going!,_

_Sirius Black_

----

Ahh. He started writing way back then? Remus could have sworn he saw Sirius writing in his journal—which he so lovingly dubbed 'Harry' (Remus snickered when he read that part)—later on, in Fifth year and beyond, but to be as far back as that? And it was even charmed to only have as many pages as the entries, so whenever he wanted to write a new page, all he'd have to do was flick his wand and another would appear. Remus had seen those before, they were extremely popular.

Remus flipped further on through the book, to his first date at Hogwarts in his fourth year.

_Dear Harry,_

_I'm finally going on a date._

_Bloody hell, I'm nervous. My palms are sweating, and I know that I'm going to say too much about the secret passageways. James and Remus both helped plan out the date—something about flying after dinner and then having a light dessert on the roof of the school. It's actually very romantic, but somehow, it feels like it's… too romantic for a first date. They make it sound like I'm going to marry the girl._

_Ha. I don't really 'love' her. It's more… more like I lust for her, honestly. She has a _H-O-T_ body and she really wants to go out with me._

_I kind of wish my friends were the jealous type. James is so obsessed with Lily that he can't see the beauty in other girls—meaning of course, their hotness levels—and Remus and Peter are far too supportive. I have a feeling that Peter is asexual, because he's never made a single comment about anyone's body or anything, male or female (not that I have a problem with gay guys, I'm not fully sure of my sexuality myself, but I'm not going to ask a guy out to find out). And Remus… well, I get the distinct impression he's bisexual, for some odd reason. He's like Peter, never commented, but… He just comes off as a bi guy. _

_Heh, not that you can always judge someone's sexuality from their personality or the comments they make on a specific sex. I mean, look at me. Half the girls at Hogwarts would be mortified to hear that I consider swinging the other way sexuality-wise (but, then again, the other half would be about a thousand times more interested in me… Might give me a bit of edge over James, sex god-wise)._

… _Okay, I think that's about it,_

_Sirius Black_

----

Remus chuckled as he read the last bit, surprised that Sirius took their 'sex god competitions' seriously. He was about to flip to a new entry, when Mad-Eye came behind him.

"Molly says that it's time for lunch—wait. What's that you have there?" he asked, paranoia never ceasing to manifest itself in both his normal and fake eye.

"Oh, this is just Sirius' old journal…" Remus explained.

Alastor grunted and muttered, "It should go to Harry, then, shouldn't it?"

Remus hadn't thought of that. He looked sadly at the book and back at Moody. "But, as one of Sirius' best friends, don't I have the right to read it?"

Alastor grunted, and mumbled something about not caring before walking away. Remus followed him dutifully to lunch, else Molly and Tonks would surely pitch a fit about him not eating, especially with the full moon so close.

---

Remus flopped down on the bed, holding the journal outwards. He was full and content, and ready to read. There was little that needed doing, and there was so little to do in the room they were currently working in—the drawing room—that Remus could easily escape work without being missed.

He flipped open the book to a later page, much later on, actually, and began to read, stopping unconsciously on a page where he saw his name.

----

_Dear Harry,_

_I can't believe it… Remus is a werewolf! It shocked the bloody hell out of me when I first heard, but on the other hand, it does tend to explain a lot. Why he's out sick so much, why he hates full moons, why he's never around on the full moon—yes, the thought of Remus being a werewolf definitely is not shocking in the least bit._

_It's that someone so… so _gentle_ can be a werewolf._

_Remus has never wronged anyone, and he's always so kind to everyone he meets—hell, even Slytherins! He's helpful, and never reprimands James and me for being bloody idiots. I've only seen him fight once, and even then, he did it because he had no choice at all in the matter. _

_Another thing that shocks me is that he didn't tell us before now. I mean, we're his best mates, right? We've always told him everything…_

_Well, okay, the only big secret I have is that I come from a dark family, and that's no secret at all. And James' only secret is that he loves Lily, which he promptly proclaims every time he lays eyes on her. And as for Peter… Peter has grade-school crushes on random girls, gets turned down, and falls in love with another girl. That's nothing big, either._

_So, I guess, compared to all of that, it is really understandable why he wouldn't tell us something like that. I mean, that's the biggest thing one in the group, and to be honest, I don't think I would have told yet, either. Of course, if it had been me, I wouldn't have been able to hide it near as well—they probably would have figured it out the moment I walked onto the train, in fact._

_But, the sad thing is, I don't feel sorry for him._

_Okay, Harry, I get it. "You mean bastard!" Right?_

_Well, you see, I've been thinking about it, and even though he's the last person that deserves that, he's probably one of the few people that could handle something as big as that._

_Is still slightly in shock but mostly okay,_

_Sirius Black_

----

Remus quickly wiped at his eyes, for tears were forming at the corners of his eyes. He continued reading, and flipped even further into the book.

----

_Dear Harry, _

_Damn it all._

_Damn it all._

_Damn it all._

_Is damned for eternity,_

_Sirius Black_

----

This entry, of course, peaked Remus' interest, and so, he flipped to the next entry.

----

_Dear Harry,_

_Maybe I wasn't clear on my last entry. I, Sirius Black, have fallen for one of my best mates._

_But wait! Aren't all of my best mates _men

_Aha, and here we hit the problem._

_The problem is this—I have finally admitted to myself that I, Sirius Black, maybe be in love with… with Remus Lupin._

_The thought isn't all that bad, really. I mean, Moony isn't repulsive or anything—it's just that he's male. And I have no problem with that._

_But that's what I have a problem with. Am I really gay? or is it just that I'm a guy that will swing both ways? Well, obviously, I can't be _ALL_ gay, for else, I would have never wooed so many women on so many nights…_

_But the thought of actually _love_, and for it to be in love with a _male_ is slightly disturbing. I have always known I care for my friends, maybe a little more than most, but to actually be in _love_ with one of them? The idea is absurd!_

_But, then again, I suppose those feelings for Moony have always been lingering just behind the surface…_

_And there, there it makes sense. Moony was the one I trusted most, the one I felt like I had to protect the most… He was the one I confided in the most, and the one I talked, I mean, really, _SERIOUSLY_ talked to the most._

_So, maybe it's not so shocking, to admit these feelings._

_But still._

_I can never tell him._

_He can never know, for I know I'd just be setting myself up for heartbreak. I know he doesn't care for me romantically._

_The star-crossed constellation (1),_

_Sirius Black_

----

That was all Remus needed—just confirmation of feeling from Sirius to him. He closed the book with a sigh, and let the tears silently fall. How come Sirius and himself had been such idiots? How come neither of them could just come clean with their emotions? Why did Sirius have to die before they could admit it to each other?

As if Tonks had been standing there all along, she silently walked next to him, and place gentle hands on his shoulder. She told him comforting words, telling him that it was okay to be crying, and that it was okay to grieve. He could have sworn that she was crying, too, but why she would have been crying was foreign to him, for she wasn't close to Sirius. She rocked him backed and forth, his head buried against the warm confines of her chest, as if he was a little child.

"It's okay, Remus. It's okay…" she whispered into his ear gently, kissing the top of his head softly.

**(1) – Star-crossed (picked up from _Romeo and Juliet_) means doomed, and Sirius is a real constellation.**

**Well, that's the end of TMP! I hope you all enjoyed my four-shot, and I hope the ending didn't disappoint. Sorry if I used an over-used idea as my last chapter, I couldn't very well bring Sirius back to life (though I could have him thinking from beyond the veil, but that seems… odd to me). Review, please:D**


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